A year ago I would have never realized how much I would be thinking about platelet counts or the number of medical appointments that have dominated our schedule over the past year. You just can’t plan for it.
My faith has been tested. I haven’t passed the tests. I still don’t understand why God isn’t doing things I have trusted and believed for Him to do. I have realized that prayer and faith doesn’t guarantee that I will get my way. Just when there is some positive news, it is followed by negative results. I haven’t handled it very well. I do my best to cope.
I have never really had to pray for healing very much in the past. This past year has changed that for me. I can honestly tell you that I wonder if I even know how to pray now. Most of the time I sit in silence. What words can I possibly say? There are no magical words.
In the beginning someone told me that there is a beginning and an end. That wasn’t very encouraging to me but you know the reality is true. Eventually there will be an end to all of this. I know what I hope it will be but I doubt if I am prepared if it is the end I don’t want it to be.
I also realize I am in the middle of when faith is tested. This is when I either believe or I don’t. Can I believe regardless of the outcome?
Christians tend to think that if someone is sick that we only have to ask God to heal and that He will if we have enough faith. We get impatient when we don’t understand what God is doing. When God is able to easily work on our behalf and He doesn’t, we become frustrated.
I am frustrated. I am not a super Christian. I’m just human and emotions trying to deal with current situations in life. The only thing I can do is just take one day at a time. I have to refrain from looking at the whole picture right now and only do what I can do. It’s a lot so you can’t be overwhelmed.
I still believe. I still have faith. I’m just doing my best to get through.
