Forgetting the Regrets

We all have regrets.

A word spoken in anger.
An ill-advised decision.
Good deeds left undone.

There are probably some right now which immediately come to your mind. I have a few of my own. I would like to go back in time and erase them if I could . They may be in the past but they aren’t forgotten are they?

Regrets are a powerful force in your life. They can keep you from being the person you were meant to be. They can be emotionally paralyzing.  Regrets can haunt you. Especially when you are experiencing success or happiness in your life. These ghosts of regrets return to remind you of your failures and shortcomings.

And if you don’t think of them, there is always someone who will.  Know some of those people?  

Since we all have regrets, how can we manage them so they won’t hold us back?

The first -- and most important thing -- is that we have to like ourselves. A poor self esteem will keep us chained to our regrets. When you realize that you have regrets you have to also realize that those regrets don’t define who you are. Regrets are your life’s learning experiences. We have to focus on the positive parts of who we are.

Another important part of living with regrets is to stay away from people who repeatedly remind you of them. If they can’t give you the benefit of the doubt then they don’t need to be in your life.

The only way you can truly live with the regrets in your life is to forgive yourself. If God forgives, then why do we think we are better than God that we can’t forgive ourselves?  I am reminded of the Apostle Paul who wrote that there is no longer any condemnation for those who believe in Christ. (Romans 8:1)   That's a pretty strong assurance to us about any regrets we have.  Paul also encouraged us to let go of things that are behind us and press forward to what is ahead (Philippians 3:13-14) Whether you are a believer or not, this is some good advice for us all when living with the regrets that we have.

Unfortunately we can't wipe our memories of our regrets.  They happened.  That's the reality but we can learn to live with them while not letting them get in the way of our lives.  Acknowledging and accepting what you are feeling is essential. When you accept yourself and what you are feeling, you are able to recognize that your value isn't defined by your mistakes or failures. Accepting yourself and your feelings does not mean you don't want to change things or do better. It just means that you are able to recognize that you are always learning, changing, and growing. 

 

Feeling Uncertain About the Future?

“We’re moving”

I was a sophomore in high school and just walked in the door when my parents gave me the news.
I was NOT happy. It had been the first time in my life that I did not want to move. Before this, we had already moved nine times. I wanted to finish high school at the same high school. I protested but was quickly brought in line. I did not like what the future held for me. It was more uncertain than ever.

Uncertainty is the part of life I really don’t like yet I find myself in it again.

The election has really thrown my life into uncertainty about the future. Believe it or not, all of our lives are about to change in ways we never thought it would. While the election plays a big part of it, there are other variables too. I am not as young as I used to be. I want to be in the best possible place for the security of our future. That’s a lot to consider.

Life has many twists and turns along the way. Sometimes we anticipate what is coming but many times we don’t. We find ourselves in an unexpected place with a decision about our next move. We also agonize over making the right decision. We get out the pro/con list, we ask for the opinions of others and we search ourselves for the tradeoffs that we are willing or not willing to make.

I have heard many times to “trust God”. I have done that and I will again. Does that guarantee the right choice? No. Sometimes we still make a choice not knowing whether it was the right decision or not until years down the road when we can look back and reflect. I will be honest. It is very difficult to trust God. I’m always big about looking for signs but I have also learned that we can’t always depend on signs alone but to equally balance it out.

There have been times when decisions I have made appeared to be wrong but I realized later that God had a purpose in the path I had taken. Sometimes God puts us in a holding place until the timing of the right place opens up to line up with His timing.

Is the uncertainty scary? Yes, it absolutely is. Even being a believer can make decisions about the future scary.

I heard a preacher once who said to trust an uncertain future to an all-knowing God. This is hard for us because we want to control everything but the reality is that we don’t really control anything. We can have the assurance that even if we make the wrong choice that God is not stressed about it like we are. He can still take that and work it for His will — and — our best interest. I know because He has done it for me in my own life.

Can you be 100% sure that you are always making the right decision about your future?  I don't really know that exists but one thing I always remind myself is that I can only make decisions on what I know - not what I don't know.  That's all we can do.  We figure it out as we go.  

Loving the People Who Hurt You

If you have lived long enough, most likely you have had to deal with your share of difficult people. It is challenging enough to navigate around toxic people but it hits hard when the toxic person is a parent.

I have been there and I know that struggle from first-hand experience.

My mother was the toxic person in my life. It wasn’t always that way. In fact, she was my best friend growing up. Unfortunately she somehow went to the dark side after I left home. It was never the same. She was frequently upset with me and always the victim as she played the victim card whenever she could. Honestly it was emotional torture.

My dad took her side in it all. I mean, he had to live with her so what else could he do?

One thing that toxic people do is they spread misinformation about you to others and that’s what she did. All of my family believed her and things she embellished about the hurts I had afflicted on her. No one was on my side.

I never understood why it was so difficult for her to give me the benefit of the doubt. Never. That’s why we would always exist in this dreadful loop of an on-again, off-again relationship throughout my adult life. I could do several good things but the one time I didn’t, it blew up.

It wasn’t easy, but I had to find a way to find sanity and be happy with my life.

Here are some things that I did to deal with the toxic relationship I had with my mother:

Set boundaries
Yep, it’s easy to say but if you don’t set boundaries, then you will be a total wreck. If they are boundaries that keep your sanity with a toxic person, don’t whimp out it. Stand your ground.

Set Your Thoughts
One of the most important things I realized was that just because a toxic person had an opinion about me didn’t mean it was true.

Put Your Spouse First
If you are married, you spouse takes the priority over your parents. My mother would always try to play the “Honor Thy Father and Mother” guilt card when she wasn’t happy with me. Your honor with your spouse takes precedence over your parents.

Be The Better Person
Don’t fight a toxic person with their own poison. It doesn’t work. Believe me I tried and it backfires. You can’t give a toxic person a dose of their own medicine hoping it will teach them a lesson. All it does it feed them and make them worse.

Pray About It
Oh, I prayed a lot about my troubled relationship with my parents. It was hard and I had no one to encourage me or help me. Prayer helped me to keep my wits and avoid the bitterness that can result from it.

My mother passed away several years ago. I have no regrets. I honestly tried with her and it never worked. It is not my intention to write this to bash my own mother but to help others out there who are tormented by their own toxic relationship. It’s not easy to go through it but you can get through it without losing your mind or forfeit your own happiness.

I heard someone make the statement that “hurting people hurt people”. I think that describes my mother. My mother had mental and physical challenges which I know made it easier for her to be toxic in her relationships. It doesn’t EXCUSE it but it certainly EXPLAINS it. After my mother passed, I was able to reconcile things as I found a deeper understanding of everything. Establish healthy boundaries with the toxic people in your life and stay strong.