Just Add Seasoning

Things weren’t right in the life of Paul Morgan.

He hated his job. He and his wife, Meghan, were fighting constantly and finances were terrible.

Yet here they were at a beach rental they couldn’t afford for the weekend.

I can’t take this anymore he thought. Nothing is going right.

Meghan was still asleep when he got up. It was early. He put on some light weight clothes, his shoes and his Georgia Bulldogs baseball hat to cover his bed head. He walked to the beach just short of the where the morning waves were crashing against the beach.

He looked over the vast Gulf. It was water as far as his eyes could see.

What am I doing here? He thought to himself. I’m in so deep I don’t know how to dig out of all of this.

“It always seems like that doesn’t it?” said a voice that startled him.

Paul looked and saw an elderly man with a fishing jacket and battered baseball cap with a cross embroidered on it. Paul smiled politely but he wasn’t in a mood to talk to a stranger.

“I’m Oscar but my friends call me Oscar,” the man said with a laugh.

Paul laughed at the lame joke too.

“Well Oscar, are you from around here?” Paul asked.

“Oh I rambled around here and there,” Oscar answered.

“Were you reading my mind?” Paul asked jokingly but hoping he was just guessing.

Oscar looked out at the Gulf where Paul had been looking. He pointed in that direction.

“Usually when I see people staring out there, they are in some deep thoughts.”

“You could say that,” Paul answered.

“What answers are you looking for out there?” Oscar asked waving his hands out over the Gulf.

“That’s just it,” Paul said. “I don’t have any answers.”

They both looked out over the Gulf together. Neither spoke for several minutes.

“Everything is wrong,” Paul finally confessed. “My work, my marriage, my life. I don’t know how to fix any of it or how to make it better.” Paul was surprised that he was sharing his personal problems with a complete stranger yet he felt it was okay to do so.

“Do you cook?” Oscar asked him.

What an odd question Paul thought.

“Uh…yes. I cook sometimes,” Paul answered reluctantly.

“So when you are cooking and something doesn’t taste right what do you do about it?”

Paul thought for a moment.

“I usually have to add some salt or seasoning to it.”

Oscar smiled.

“There you go. That’s your answer,” Oscar smiled.

“Answer to what exactly?” Paul was puzzled.

“Answer to your problems. With problems in your life you need to do the small things to change it.”

Paul looked puzzled.

“Young man, when you are cooking and something doesn’t taste right, you don’t start over — well unless you totally screwed up the recipe. No…you tweak it. Add some seasoning. “

Oscar looked into Paul’s eyes.

“You are trying to look at this as a bigger task when you only need to start doing the smaller things to change it.”

Oscar continued to look at Paul.

He saw the lightbulb in his eyes illuminate.

He got it.

“I see what you mean. I need to stop looking at the big problem and focus on the small things that can change them.”

“Exactly!” Oscar said.

Oscar patted Paul on the shoulder.

“So how do you start adding the seasonings to your work, marriage and your life?”

Paul thought a moment.

“For my marriage, I could put more effort in doing things to show her I love her like a random card that isn’t for a special occasion.”

“There you go!” Oscar answered.

Paul continued.

“For my job, I could get more training on tasks that I am frustrated with and if that doesn’t work, I can look for another job.”

Oscar smiled.

“You see young man, the small things can affect the big things in a big way. You just need to add the right seasoning.”

Paul looked back over the Gulf as his head scanned the horizon from side to side.

He felt better about things.

“Thanks Oscar, I appreciate…..”

Paul was alone. There was no sign of Oscar anywhere on the beach. There was no way he could have left in any direction without Paul seeing him.

Paul looked back to the beach house to see Meghan approaching him. She joined him at the beach.

“I saw you out here alone. I thought I would join you if that’s okay?” She asked.

“Oh of course sweetheart!” Paul said.

“Did you see the man that was talking to me?” He asked her.

Meghan shook her head. “No, you were out here alone. That's why I came out here.”

Just over Meghan’s shoulder he saw Oscar’s hat hanging on a beach chair.

The Day Created by Anna Jarvis

Who is Anna Jarvis?

She is the reason we have Mother's Day.

Anna's mother had desired to establish a holiday to honor mothers.  After the death of Anna's mother, she led the push for honoring mothers on a special day.  

On May 10, 1908, three years after her mother's death, Anna Jarvis celebrated mothers during a worship service at St. Andrews Methodist Church in Grafton, West Virginia. Although Jarvis did not attend this service, she sent a telegram describing the significance of the day and sent 500 white carnations to all who attended the service.  She explained why she selected white carnations:

Its whiteness is to symbolize the truth, purity and broad-charity of mother love; its fragrance, her memory, and her prayers. The carnation does not drop its petals, but hugs them to its heart as it dies, and so, too, mothers hug their children to their hearts, their mother love never dying. When I selected this flower, I was remembering my mother's bed of white pinks.

She later spoke in Philadelphia at the Wanamaker's Store Auditorium where her speech moved the audience.

Jarvis continued to refer to her mother's memory and attempted to maintain the sentimental part of what they day meant and her role as the founder of the holiday.  She struggled with the popularity of Mother's Day and the forces of commercialization that took over her original message.  Floral and greeting card companies began to capitalize on the day she had founded.  As the years passed, Jarvis grew disenchanted with the growing commercialization of the observation and even attempted to have Mother's Day rescinded. Jarvis died of heart failure in a sanitarium in November 1948, her medical bills paid by people in the floral and greeting card industries.

Anna Jarvis never married or had any children.

Can We Talk?

It was a pivotal time in my life and I was standing in the parking lot with someone I had respected. I was dealing with some issues and I needed to talk.  I was going to take a chance to open up about what I was going through. As I was approaching the subject, I noticed that he kept looking at his watch as I was talking. He was late for his next item in his to-do list. 

I let it go.

I often think back to that parking lot moment. I have no lingering animosity about this encounter but it made me realize how important it can be available for someone.

We never know what someone is going through or the weight they are carrying. Unfortunately we let life get in the way sometimes.

I hope I can always be the person someone can talk to if they need someone. I don’t assume that I have all the answers but one thing I can do is to listen. Sometimes that’s all people need. They need someone to listen.

There was a time that I would often get frustrated when I needed to vent and the person I was venting to would always defend the opposing side to my issue. It didn’t matter I didn’t want that I just needed an ear.

We live in a time where people are quick to voice their opinion but have difficulty to listen. You also don’t want to make the mistake of posting something online. Another extra point here is not to post all of your business for the world to read.

So who do you talk to when you need a friend? Someone you trust to listen without judgment?

I am blessed today that I have someone who listens to me who I can trust. They won’t look at their watch or smartphone either. 

Why is it so hard to be that friend? Because it takes patience to listen without trying to be a “fixer”.

When someone confides in you, you should treasure that trust. There is a French word for it called “confidant” which means a person with whom one shares a secret or private matter, trusting them not to repeat it to others.

Repeating it to others…now THERE is a key component to this altogether. It’s also important to not only be listener but also have restraint from being a repeater.

I think we have all has people who have told some things to others that we trusted them not to repeat. That’s a betrayal that hurts beyond words.

So how can you and I be better confidants?

Here are some pointers I have found:

Ask open-ended questions

These allow someone to explain themselves, and reveal any details at a level they feel comfortable with. You can ask questions like “What’s troubling you?” and “How do you feel about ____?” These types of questions can’t be answered as a simple yes/no, and lets a person know that you are willing to listen to details.

Observe body language

This can help you gauge if someone is feeling really anxious, uncomfortable, or ashamed. Some common signs are turning away while speaking or physically closing themselves off (like crossing their arms). Other signs could indicate a fight-or-flight response, such as talking quickly or in a much higher pitch than usual.

Be patient

Confiding in someone takes time and trust. Wait to build a relationship where both parties can feel comfortable in taking part in the conversation.

Know your boundaries

Just listen to what’s being shared. Understanding and respecting someone’s boundaries in what they are willing to share helps to ensure that the confiding person feels more comfortable.

Don’t offer advice (unless it’s being asked for)

Most people just want to be heard, not necessarily told what they should do next. Unsolicited advice is rarely followed, and given that a confidant may not know all of the details of a situation being shared, can even backfire. This isn’t to say that advice is always a bad thing — simply realize that having a friend listen to them may be all a friend really wants!

Don’t gossip

Under NO circumstances should you repeat what someone confides in you unless they give you permission to do so. Repeating what someone tells you in confidence violates the whole integrity of being a confidant.

You don’t need a degree in psychology to be a good confidant to someone. Just BE there and BE present for them. I could give you a bunch of Bible references about being a good listener and confidant but this is not just limited to people who go to church. We can ALL be trustworthy listens and be the person others can lean on during their troubled times.