Why Hurting People Hurt You

Ever wonder why people who are hurting end up hurting others?

Let me share my personal painful experience with this subject.

My parents were never a part of my adult life. They chose to move away and decided that having a relationship with me was not important. Throughout the years assumptions were made, and feelings were hurt.

Why am I telling you this? It isn’t a pleasant memory for me to write about, and my parents have passed away.  The reason I am telling you this is that I realized that the hurts we experience are serious and can poison other relationships in our lives. My mother was hurting and hurting people tend to hurt others.

It was difficult to try to fix things with my parents. There were times when we reconciled but unfortunately those times didn’t last long. Something always happened. Either I didn’t visit them, or they didn’t visit me, or someone said something or did something that created another rift followed by another season of estrangement between us. It was a constant and vicious cycle.

The issues between us tormented me greatly. No one would ever know how deeply I was hurt. Letters, phone calls and prayers never seemed to work. They would easily believe their negative assumptions rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt that I never was doing something to intentionally hurt them. It was a losing battle. I never resolved issues with my mother. The last straw was when she lied about having cancer in an attempt to manipulate me as well informing me that she had reconciled with my ex-wife for their rocky relationship while we were married. She felt that she could have this “forgiveness” with my ex yet couldn’t ever make any such an effort with me.

Manipulation and guilt.

These are the weapons of a person who is hurting. Hurting people will continue to look for more evidence to add to their list of hurts. My mother was hurting because she endured a lifetime of physical pain, depression when her father died and resentment that she was a preacher’s wife. This combination of negativity caused her to poison relationships and intentionally sabotage them to make her to appear the victim.

When my mother died, my dad didn’t call me. I was told by a family member as well as finding out on social media. I did not attend her funeral. What was the point? My dad didn’t want me there and my family had chosen to take her side in our differences. Everyone chose to believe her version of the story.

You see, people have things they go through that no one ever knows about it and are hurt by people they never, ever thought would hurt them. I never dreamed that my parents would not want to be a part of my life but that is the path they chose. I had to navigate through it. I learned that I had to set my own boundaries and know that I could have a life without them in it. It was hard but necessary to keep my own sanity. Let me tell you, there aren’t any nice Bible references I can give you that magically helps with these kinds of issues.

What you have to do is live your life above the hurts. Don’t let people who hurt you to cause you to hurt others. Break that cycle. If you don’t, you will live a miserable life.

A couple of years after my mother had passed, my dad got sick, and I spent the last two weeks of his life at his bedside. In those two weeks, we got to know each other better and I was glad to be there with him at the end. I realized just how much my mother had interfered with my relationship with him. It was a rough time for me, but I understood things a lot better. Did it make it easier? No but I got an understanding that I didn’t have before.

Don’t waste your life hurting. My mother wasted too many years hurting over wrong assumptions. It never had to be that way. I can tell you why this was never resolved, my mother never wanted to resolve it. She had this thing about being the victim and wanting the attention of being the hurt one. Things could have been resolved if we could have talked things out. She never wanted to hear me and only wanted to resolve it in a one-sided way which would be my concessions.

I don’t have any regrets. I tried - many times. I realized that I could only do my part. I couldn’t do the part my parents needed to do with theirs.

Don’t set yourself up with having regrets. Do what you can to resolve issues when you are hurting. The longer you hurt, the deeper the roots go into your heart. It poisons you and every other relationship you have.

Because of this experience, I don’t tolerate manipulation. If someone tries to guilt trip me because they are hurt, I cut them out. I’ve been through it at a level many would never understand, and I will not waste whatever years I have left trying to pander to someone who is hurting. My friends, life is too short for this. The Bible says it is like a vapor. It is here and then it is gone.

My mother was a miserable person. Her grudges and hurts kept her in prison that she created. She always held the key to get out of that emotional confinement, but she never used it. Don’t be a prisoner to your own hurts.