Why Hurting People Hurt You

Ever wonder why people who are hurting end up hurting others?

Let me share my personal painful experience with this subject.

My parents were never a part of my adult life. They chose to move away and decided that having a relationship with me was not important. Throughout the years assumptions were made, and feelings were hurt.

Why am I telling you this? It isn’t a pleasant memory for me to write about, and my parents have passed away.  The reason I am telling you this is that I realized that the hurts we experience are serious and can poison other relationships in our lives. My mother was hurting and hurting people tend to hurt others.

It was difficult to try to fix things with my parents. There were times when we reconciled but unfortunately those times didn’t last long. Something always happened. Either I didn’t visit them, or they didn’t visit me, or someone said something or did something that created another rift followed by another season of estrangement between us. It was a constant and vicious cycle.

The issues between us tormented me greatly. No one would ever know how deeply I was hurt. Letters, phone calls and prayers never seemed to work. They would easily believe their negative assumptions rather than giving me the benefit of the doubt that I never was doing something to intentionally hurt them. It was a losing battle. I never resolved issues with my mother. The last straw was when she lied about having cancer in an attempt to manipulate me as well informing me that she had reconciled with my ex-wife for their rocky relationship while we were married. She felt that she could have this “forgiveness” with my ex yet couldn’t ever make any such an effort with me.

Manipulation and guilt.

These are the weapons of a person who is hurting. Hurting people will continue to look for more evidence to add to their list of hurts. My mother was hurting because she endured a lifetime of physical pain, depression when her father died and resentment that she was a preacher’s wife. This combination of negativity caused her to poison relationships and intentionally sabotage them to make her to appear the victim.

When my mother died, my dad didn’t call me. I was told by a family member as well as finding out on social media. I did not attend her funeral. What was the point? My dad didn’t want me there and my family had chosen to take her side in our differences. Everyone chose to believe her version of the story.

You see, people have things they go through that no one ever knows about it and are hurt by people they never, ever thought would hurt them. I never dreamed that my parents would not want to be a part of my life but that is the path they chose. I had to navigate through it. I learned that I had to set my own boundaries and know that I could have a life without them in it. It was hard but necessary to keep my own sanity. Let me tell you, there aren’t any nice Bible references I can give you that magically helps with these kinds of issues.

What you have to do is live your life above the hurts. Don’t let people who hurt you to cause you to hurt others. Break that cycle. If you don’t, you will live a miserable life.

A couple of years after my mother had passed, my dad got sick, and I spent the last two weeks of his life at his bedside. In those two weeks, we got to know each other better and I was glad to be there with him at the end. I realized just how much my mother had interfered with my relationship with him. It was a rough time for me, but I understood things a lot better. Did it make it easier? No but I got an understanding that I didn’t have before.

Don’t waste your life hurting. My mother wasted too many years hurting over wrong assumptions. It never had to be that way. I can tell you why this was never resolved, my mother never wanted to resolve it. She had this thing about being the victim and wanting the attention of being the hurt one. Things could have been resolved if we could have talked things out. She never wanted to hear me and only wanted to resolve it in a one-sided way which would be my concessions.

I don’t have any regrets. I tried - many times. I realized that I could only do my part. I couldn’t do the part my parents needed to do with theirs.

Don’t set yourself up with having regrets. Do what you can to resolve issues when you are hurting. The longer you hurt, the deeper the roots go into your heart. It poisons you and every other relationship you have.

Because of this experience, I don’t tolerate manipulation. If someone tries to guilt trip me because they are hurt, I cut them out. I’ve been through it at a level many would never understand, and I will not waste whatever years I have left trying to pander to someone who is hurting. My friends, life is too short for this. The Bible says it is like a vapor. It is here and then it is gone.

My mother was a miserable person. Her grudges and hurts kept her in prison that she created. She always held the key to get out of that emotional confinement, but she never used it. Don’t be a prisoner to your own hurts.

Can We Talk?

There are times in our lives when we need someone to talk to. We all go through things. Sometimes we are in a dark place and we reach the point when we need to reach out to someone.

I was in that place once and it took all I could to make the decision to talk to someone about it. When I made the attempt to open up, I noticed the person looking at his watch repeatedly. It was clear to me that he had some place to go. I let him go. I never approached him again.

This came at a pivotal time in my life. I made decisions and I pressed on.

I often look back on that moment in that parking lot and wonder if I am ever too busy for someone who needs to talk. Sometimes people simply need to vent. They don’t need judgment. If someone thinks enough of us to talk to about something important, we should feel honored and take it seriously.

We should make time to listen to someone and value their feelings. We should never belittle them or make them feel as if our time is too valuable to listen. Trust is a precious gift. When someone confides in you, it is a sign of respect. Your friend is saying "I believe you are trust worthy enough to take care of my inner most feelings". Therefore do everything possible not to damage that trust. Do everything possible to help them keep feeling safe with you.

I have been fortunate to have had people confide in me. I have tried to give advice or support. I hope that I have made myself available enough for someone needing to talk.

There are times in all of our lives that we need someone to talk to.

Here are some important tips for when someone wants to talk to you:

Make time. Even if you can’t do it then, make a solid commitment for the earliest time to do it.

Listen carefully without judgment. Be sure you listen and not just waiting for them to finish so you can talk.

Ask questions. Seek to obtain information to help you better understand what the person is feeling.

Stay calm. You may or may not like what you hear but be patient and try to empathize.

Explore solutions together.  Maybe you have find a similar situation in your experience to relate to what they are going through.

Seek professional help if necessary.  We don't always have the answers someone needs.  Sometimes the issues are very serious where a trained professional is needed.

Maintain confidentiality. Don’t be a gossip. If someone tells you something in confidence, keep it to yourself.

I don’t think I will ever forget that time in that parking lot where my issue was blown off. I hope I never make any go through that same feeling.

The month of September is suicide prevention month. There are people around us who are hurting. People matter. Our time with them is important and we should value their feelings.  Make the time to listen.

Dealing with Delays and Unanswered Prayers

Have you ever been delayed before?

I’m sure it has happened to all of us in some way. Maybe it was a flight or something you were waiting to happen. Most of us don’t like delays. I know I don't. I like things to go as planned. Delays are often unexpected and unplanned.

There are times that God answers our prayers with a delay. It isn’t a yes or no answer but just a delay.

The problem we have with this is that He doesn’t tell us that it is a delay. It sure would be nice if He would. I know it would calm me down.

Too many times I make the mistake of assuming an unanswered prayer as being a “no” when it is really more of a delay.

With God it is about timing. Sure, He can do whatever He wants whenever He wants to do it but He’s not going to force us to do anything we don’t want to do. In our lives, His will works through people and circumstances.

When I was unexpectedly released from my previous job, I reached out to a contact in another company. I was sure it was going to work out and it seemed like the situation was going to be resolved but they kept delaying things. I got really frustrated and panicked a bit over it. Right before they decided to take action, another job recruiter called me and I eventually ended up being hired by another company and for a much higher salary than I had expected.

The delay was God’s timing to line up the situation for me.

This wasn't the first time that God’s delay ended up being an answered prayer for me.

It usually isn’t until after you’ve been through something like this that you can look back on it and see that it was a divine delay.

God’s timing is very important and we must have a strong faith and extreme patience to hold on during the delays. It’s not always easy but it is amazing when you have remained faith and rewarded.

I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten impatient and tried to force things to work in my own way. The result has been that I messed things up and it either took way longer or I missed out completely. We can definitely mess up God’s plan to answer our prayers. Although He can fix our mess, it would be better if we do a better job to let Him do it.

I still remember many years ago when I was trying to get into my current career field, I interviewed but one of the supervisors told me point blank that I wasn’t going to get the job. I was crushed. I went home totally devastated. However, when I went into the office the next day our agency had a hiring freeze and I eventually got the position months later when the freeze was lifted.

These and other examples are not mere coincidences, it is God working in my life. I am nobody special. I’m not a preacher or claim to have any special insight to God. I just pray and trust Him to work things out. He always works it out. Sometimes it may not seem like He does but it takes faith whether we ever see the results or not.

Delays aren't fun but sometimes necessary for God to put things into place to get us to where we need to be.